I just don't know what to do anymore. It's been one whole week since that Go-Sip incident with Yiska and yet....and yet I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be with her like that. Gah! Not these thoughts again! I know that they can never be true, I know that we can't....I can't do it. If I persue her I would hurt the client who is already taken with her. When I took up this position as a host I swore to make sure that the clients happiness was first priority...even if that means giving up my own wants and desires. But I've done this before...so why does it hurt so much wanting to give up on Yiska? I hardly know her and the first time I ever spoke to her out of the club was last week during the Go-Sip thing.
No one has yet found out who took the picture or posted the magazine. We thought it was Annabella at first but she said that the magazine was a mockery of the newspaper and that she only posted up real facts about the club. I was happy to hear that and I understood why Torrin-san allowed her to interview us at any moment she wished. The window I sit at now allows a cool summer breeze. It's very welcoming. I know I should be taking care of my clients and it hurts me that they can see this broken mess I'm in. The client in love with Yiska is talking with Reid. I heard they were close friends. What would happen if Reid found out about my feelings and he told Xavier? I feel like I'm going to slowly die and....nani? Torrin-san is calling for me...maybe he can help me? I know how much he hates peoples problems put on his shoulder. He has enough from his father. I shall go and see why he wishes to talk to me then.
I feel like I'm being punked right now. The Host Club is hosting a small summer trip to some private cabins near a lake. Ms. Hazel and Master Nerdrum have planned it out for all of us....and I know for a fact they placed me and Yiska in the same cabin on purpose. I know they don't know about my infatuation for the beautiful maiden who has stolen my heart but still. Of all the people to get her it had to be me.
I think the gods are tormenting me. They know I can't possibly take this chance to grow closer to her in a romantic way. Master Xavier is still very much in love with her and I'm already punishing myself for taking her away from him at that moment. But we are hosts and we had to attend to our clients. We made it clear in the rules that if the clients had something they wanted to talk about it had to be outside of club for a one-on-one. Though I believe Master Xavier was to busy drooling over her to really pay attention to what King Torrin was saying.
On a positive note King Torrin knows of my secrets. My crush on Yiska and my gender. Although he is scattered brain and almost told everyone my gender I deeply respect him. When he told me how much he cared for the Host Members I felt proud to be apart of it. Even if he was in a dress at the time...which he made look really good. Alexis got some photos of me on top of him when I tackled him for almost spilling my secret to a client. I already saw posters and a few of our clients swooning at the "yaoi" moment. That is all for now. Wish me luck at the cabins. I just hope I don't do anything to hurt myself but more importantly, I hope I don't hurt Master Xavier and Yiska.
Today Torrin-san decided we should do a last few things before our trip. I'm not panicing any more about sharing a cabin with Yiska. I know the only reason why she chose the cabin is because it was the next empty one there. That's my guess anyways. Anyways we all dressed up today and my god Yiska was wearing this beautiful dress by a very famous designer who just appeared in the fashion world. I felt like I was going to vomit my heart. Yiska was almost like a dark angel so beautiful and cool with that look...*sigh* That look in her eyes.
I heard rumors Torrin asked if Yiska would ever go bald. I feel like he's trying to help me get over my crush. But her looks wasn't what really hooked me. It was her eyes, that look she holds in them it's like there's something hidden as if she's daring someone to try and figure out what she's trying to hide. And my competitive heart wants to take her up on that offer. Maybe I'll take her up on that challenge on our trip.
It seems things are starting to get more and more hetic with the trip coming closer. Yiska seems to be in a more cheerful mood. Cornelius is getting crankier, Ani has been getting into trouble again, and my little brother and sister have been showing up and causing more confusion with my gender. I love Kimiko and Nani dearly. Nani wants to be a Host when he gets to high school.
Vik and I have been coming up with some plans with Ruri and Lars. As soon as we get to those cabins we'll see which plans we can use. Lately I noticed one of the hosts watching me closely. When I look to see who it is I found out it was Yiska. She would turn away slowly as if she just happned to be watching me but I always catch that questioning gaze. She's on to me! I know it she'll figure out my gender! Wait that made no sense if she knew then she wouldn't be watching me from the corner of her eye. Vik is much like her, he gets confused right when he thinks he has my gender figured out. (Thanks Kimiko) You know I can't help but get this strange sense of something bad is going to happen on this trip. I need to keep my eyes open.
Of course she happened to catch me dancing. But don't think for one second I didn't catch your hand go up to your mouth to hide that amused smile! Yiska you can be so cruel sometimes but I can't help but smile back. I'm not a bad dancer you can even ask Viola. We're both in the same dancing club. Sometimes we're partnered up for a few dances. I wonder if Yiska can dance? Well only one way to find out...well two but that way is to sneaky. I found out that two people with in the club are disgusted by the mere sight of me. Master Xavier and Master Cornelius feel like I'm a threat. This hurts me deeply and I try to hide my pain. I don't know why they're so mad at me. I know Cornelius likes Viola and I always escort her to his side whenever she comes into club. But each time I'm beside her doing my job he glares at me with so much anger. And I'm not sure why Xavier is so mad at me. I hardly talk to Yiska ever...actually I don't talk to her at all really. I say good morning, good-bye and thats about it......I can't help but feel shy around her.
So today I decided to make some tea in the kitchen and while the water was boiling I got bored so I decided to sing and make something to go with the sandwhiches. I was so caught up in my song I didn't notice Yiska, Vik, and Torrin walking in. Apparently Torrin caught one of them smoking in the club again and he was threatening to make them go cold turkey. Of course they stopped to hear me sing and stared at the apron I like to wear. It has lovely flower patterns in it. Roses and Lilies. Of course when I turned around and saw them I stopped singing. Yiskah had the cutest blush on her face and she was covering her mouth with her hand. Vik was making kissy faces at me....again. Torrin clapped and said I should sing for the Club one day and that the tea was burning. *sighs* Another day in Host Club.
Well we finally arrived at the camp site. I can finally kick back and let loose. I was almost tempted to pick Yiska up and carry her into the cabin but I think I'll just remain calm. But today I changed into my swim trunks. Everyone saw the cross shaped scar from my accident. I told them the truth...well not all of it.
When I was nine a thought I could shove a baby doll head in the baseball pitching machine and...it exploded and a gear hit my chest. When the doctor stitched me back up he said that if I let my boobs grown in during puberty it would tear open my chest again. My parents either had to make it so I never grew boobs or they had to pump me up with check ups and drugs for the pain....yeah since we're atheletic they thought we should go with the no boobs.
I can't help but stare over at Yiska in her swimsuit. She looks to beautiful and the way she looked while standing in the lake and the sun making it shimmer. God I almost did something when I walked to her to say something. But when she looked at me I realized I was a little close..like a foot of space. I kinda go lost in her eyes and I went to say something.....Xavier threw a waterbomb at me and I fell down beside her. Yiska blinked and laughed at me before I tripped her. Xavier and Reid ended up being dragged into the water war. Yiska and I had a nice cup of tea in our cabin later. Now I need to get Vik, Lars, and Ruri for our jousting match in the water. It's going to rock. Ruri and Lars are going to drive some motorboats while Viktor and I hang on to the back with our surf boards and some foam tubes I packed. Then Ruri and Lars will drive top speed from opposite ends and then turn off to the sides while Viktor and I let go and head right toward each other and BAM!!! It will be so awesome!!!!
Well I better go and help out. I said I would make snacks for our bonfire~
So today I made lunch for me and Yiska. She decided to take a nap in the cabin. I made my favorite rice dish and I called her down to eat. Of course she saw me in my "Kiss The Cook" apron and commented how she liked my flower one better. Honestly that girl is such a tease...but I love her that way. I left my journal out on the table and I wonder if she read anything in it...I hope not. How many times have I said I loved her in this thing?
.......oh I wrote it 100 times on one page...that's embarrassing if she read it. Well I wanted to ask her to dance at the bonfire but I think I'll just sit out and make food for everyone. If someone asks me to dance I'll kindly do so for them. After all they took time out of their life to spend it with me I should only be kind enough to allow them that time.
Torrin and I talked and he says I'm to busy focusing on others and need to focus on myself more...my psychologist told me that...opps I didn't mean to mention that! Forget I said anything about it!! Well I'm going to wash the dishes...well I'm going to try. Yiska keeps telling me to stop doing everything around the cabin and let her do something. I just like spoiling her cause she blushes. Muwahaha my revenge is to spoil our little Ice Princess.
.....oh god I'm so madly in love with her TT__TT
-- Edited by Kurau the Gentleman on Thursday 4th of June 2009 11:49:39 AM
-- Edited by Kurau the Gentleman on Thursday 4th of June 2009 11:52:05 AM
I'm writing this before I leave for the beach. I found Yiskas bra laying around. And scared the **** out of me! How was I suppose to act?! Sure I know what a bra looks like but..but it was her bra!...Oh the bonfire is either Friday or Saturday. I should practice more of my dancing.
I've been feeling strange lately (other than Yiska feelings) that shadow is lurking closer and someone is going to get hurt. It's like that time where the boxing match turned real ugly and the other team tried to stab mine with chairs. I don't like sore losers.
My brother Nani called me and said he wanted to be a client in Host Club. I was so excited he told me he wanted to be a Host when he got to high school too! He's only 8 but I'm glad he's taking a chance and found something fun to do.
-- Edited by Kurau the Gentleman on Thursday 4th of June 2009 11:51:54 AM
She knows...Yiska knows my secret now. She was crying and it's my fault. I made her cry...I'm such a disgusting creature. How dare I call myself a gentleman, why have I been so blind? I'm not friends with everyone there are people who hate me and there is nothing I can do to change that...I think I'm starting to get in one of my moods.
I've been depressed only twice in my life. The first time I really can't remember but I know it lead to me becoming....this way. The second time my grandparents died at the same time on my dads side. Car crash. And now this time. Yiska crying. What happens is I become silent, I can't smile, I don't want to be around anyone or thing. And my food tastes bland.
She hasn't said anything to me yet but I'm dreading it. She knows my gender and she knows I love her. The question is. Will she love me?
I haven't said a word in hours. My room seems like the only safe place now. I'm debating whether or not I'm going to let Yiska in my room if she knocks on the door...I think I should but until then I don't want the others to see me like this.
I had changed my mind and went outside. The sky was so dark and cold and by the sounds of it the bonfire wasn't going so well either. Suddenly a song popped into my head and I sung it. I forgot the name of the song and who sung it but I sung it with all my heart and the pain and tears tore at my very soul. I didn't realize I was singing so loudly but everyone at the fire heard me and came running. I looked and I saw Yiska and suddenly I was singing to her. I now realize I was singing to her the whole time. I saw Torrin look back at her and I think he figured out that she knew. He's a smart guy when it comes to this stuff. I didn't finish the song cause seeing her made me want to cry even more so I ran. I climbed down the tree from the other side where no one could find me.
Yiska...why can't I just let her go from my heart while it hurts so much already?
-- Edited by Kurau the Gentleman on Saturday 6th of June 2009 11:33:40 AM
Yay good news! Yiska and I are friends again! She and Hazel said the same thing to me. I was stupid. It had to do with me being selfless and Hazel said that if I wasn't shellfish then the one I care about will get hurt.
I really have no clue what that means. Yiska keeps joking around saying we're going to push the beds together....if she asks again I'll know she's serious.
Well everyone is having a better time now that things have calmed. The bad feeling isn't there anymore so I guess it was Yiska finding out about my gender. We've been spending a lot of time together outside the cabin. Everyone keeps looking at us and grinning and I don't know why. Hazel even winked and gave me a small thumbs up. Did I miss something?
On the plus plus side my cooking skills are getting even better! Yiska actually wakes up on her own sometimes if she smells the food I'm cooking. We usually only have breakfast alone. Sometimes dinner but we mostly eat with the others. Man I love her smile.
Cornelius doesn't hate my guts out anymore. He just hates me like he hates everyone else, except Viola. Viola and I found out that he's really bitter cause no one at home really looks out for him anymore and he's really sick. I found him vomiting blood one day. But he's doing better now...I hope.
Xavier doesn't glare at me to much when I'm with Yiska. Reid said he was giving up on her but you just can't give up right away. It takes time and I guess right now it's not helping that Yiska is with me even as I'm writing this. Her back is against mine so she doesn't know what I'm writing.
So I've been working really hard the past few days. No one knows this but I'm making up for ruining the last bonfire dance. I was suppose to cook but with the issue with Yiska I ended up running off all night. But my body hurts so much with digging, chopping, cooking, and orangizing the next dance. I'm even serving food that maybe only Sonnet, Vik, Yiska, and I have only heard of or even eaten.
I better go Yiska is getting restless and she might decide to bug me since I'm closer. Oh and she was joking about the bed thing. Thank god that would have been awkward.
I've been so busy lately it feels like I hardlly have time for the Host Club. With the summer festival coming up a lot of the sports clubs want to perform for the school. Also I have the dancing competition and the Alice in Wonderdland play.
But I think I have it figured out but this can damage my body pretty badly for the day. But I can manage my body can take up a lot of damage. My plan is to wear all my uniforms except my Alice in Wonderland outfit at the same time so after I finish or get my team far enough ahead in the game I can just take off their uniform and move on to the next one. It will work, it will be hot, but I can't let my club memebers down.
Yiska and I don't really talk anymore since the end of the camping trip. It's kinda sad really I do like talking with her. But I've been real busy and Hazel decided to be our director for the play so she's working us to the bone. Yiska hasn't told anyone of my gender. And I now know of two other crossdressers. Dakota and Aki. Aki is like me and I think that's why Dakota is upset. It's a guess but she/he doesn't really have any assets and also I'm not attracted to her/him so it's a boy. I want to help but this is Dakotas problem and if Dakota wants to talk then I'm sure he will find someone to talk to.
I'm so tired. But the plus side is a few of the sports clubs are going to just have fun instead of performing for everyone. So now I just need to deal with
Fencing Karate Track Soccor Dance Play
I now have more time for Host duties...and time to spend with Yiska. Torrin actually suggested that we do a theme together. "The Reluctant Couple." Yeah not happening. Also I've been noticing that the music room floor has been creaking like crazy under me I........
I woke up to see my family standing in a small blue room with machines all around me. They gave me this book to write while I'm here but...I don't even remember why I'm here.
My left eye is covered by a bandaged wrapped around my head. My left arm is broken my legs and ribs are a mess.
But...the thing is..I remember...Ruka. And I remember the rage that still lives in my heart. It taints my very soul and anyone who knows me or who has paid close attention will see that my eyes, although still silver, are now tinted with with grey.
I miss the Host Club so much it hurts. I miss Reids music, Nerdrums cool attitude, Viks playful teasing, Torrins love for feminine clothes, Akis carefree like attitude, Ruris charm, I want to meet Mimi properly, and of course I miss Yiska. I hope everyone is doing ok.
Everything is different now. Ever since I awoke from the sweet taste of Yiskas lips on my own thoughts flooded my head and the rage that took years of therapy to maintain is back with revenge...and I'm enjoying the power.
Oh I know who hit me with the football. After all we play soccor together and he's my little sisters idol since he's her senpai. A throw and a kick can be very similar. A person who throws straight is able to kick just as straight. But I need some answers like, why he threw the ball out from that excat area. Also I'm going to have to pay a visit to my "old friends". The goodie goodie Kurau is dead. I'm back for good.
